Reset

When Stargirl meditates, she erases herself.

I have Stargirl, and Love, Stargirl to my collection, unless I’ve missed a third. I loved both books when I read them and I think I still love them now. I’d probably love a third tale in Stargirl’s saga, or to hear that there’s more of her story to enjoy!

Unlike Stargirl, though, I don’t meditate. The closest I’ve come is to attempt what I’ve inwardly dubbed, a soft-reset—which I don’t think I’ve ever successfully achieved on my own (and I still don’t consider it meditation). The closest I’ve come to a soft-reset, ironically, is a hard-reset, in which many different thoughts all ram together at once, and instantly they all disappear, as if they all shattered upon impact. This draws a cringe from me, every time.

It’s what I want to achieve, a reset, but not nearly so violent. I want to gently push away troublesome, hindering thoughts before I have the chance to think them—hence, “soft”. Also, preventative.

Light research indicated that “trance” meditation looks similar—if I’ve understood correctly, and the goal of it is to empty your mind. I have trouble with clearing my mind, which seems to be why anyone recommends meditation in the first place (which, also, to an extent, does require you to be able to clear your mind). Honestly, I could make a flow chart that demonstrates the data loop I get stuck in when considering it. You might laugh—I’d bet you would! I, on the other hand, do not find it a funny experience, and would probably not join you.

If anyone’s out there thinking, “you just need practice”, I don’t see it as that simple for someone like me. Maybe it is me, maybe it’s autism, or autism plays a role, or maybe the process would take more time and patience than what I believe I have to spare.

And then there’s mindfulness, and mindfulness meditation….

First, I don’t understand how anyone finds that peaceful! I’m a person who needs to find some kind of anchor to maintain and conduct myself on a day-to-day basis. I have to make conscious choices as to where my attention goes, and budget it carefully—carefully and sparingly. Thinking every little thought, feeling every little emotion would not be relaxing, but disastrous. I would fall apart, because I have fallen apart, before I learned why.

Autism, of course, is a lifelong struggle, and as it is a spectrum I don’t speak for anyone but myself, as everyone’s experience is not a duplicate of the next person’s. Maybe, though, someone else has shared my experience. I don’t fully understand the mentality behind sharing like-experiences as a means of comfort, or how it comforts, or why it’s encouraged. I’m just sort of putting this out there to get a few thoughts out of my brain, which, as I’m sure I’ve implied, is a bit too crowded!

~Niki

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