“Saturday” Rants: Re: Creative Regmen

EDIT: Hit submit prematurely while trying to scroll, please excuse my blunder.

I’m going to rant about one of my own posts today, being a few months older and wiser—I hope. I’m also going to try harder to keep my rants to Monday’s.

First, while it’s not what I came to do, I’m looking back and cringing at my choice of words when attempting to illustrate the fruitlessness of my efforts to understand algebra. Use of ableist language is sometimes tricky to avoid, and I’m working at being more conscious of it—like how I’m always working at having more of a filter in general.

In response to that, I still feel the need to use strong language to combat the stubbornness with which people come at me insisting I should be able to “get it” if I try. To these people I say I appreciate your efforts, but you need to let this one go. Algebra was long ago determined to be a lost cause and I gain nothing from picking it back up now that my career path has been chosen.

Now that I’ve ruffled the feathers of friends and family alike, I’ll get to my main beef with that old post.

I still feel pretty much the same way about the messages within Yuri on Ice, except for one thing I’m now seeing differently….

Spoiler alert: J.J. chokes during one of his final performances.

At the time, it seemed like a quick and easy way for the writers to push Yuri closer to winning (and it probably was) but then I realized that I’ve been there.

I’m frequently held back by anxieties. They don’t always make sense either, and so are extremely difficult to push past, especially within a timeframe.

In this case it was a short span of time in which J.J. was able to give his performance, and in that time he flubbed it up big time!

I spent months almost over-focusing on some personal goals, to the point where I was staring at a blank page trying to force myself to be inspired and motivated any way I could. I tried affirmations, I tried everything! Nothing seemed to work.

In some ways, trying to be better made me worse. When concentrating on where I needed to improve, I made mistakes in other areas I would normally have had under control.

I couldn’t explain how or why if I tried, but the proof was in my art. It lacked something. Even if other people enjoyed it, it lacked what I felt was the most important thing.

I saw this as failure. Was I not a good enough artist? Was I not trying hard enough? Was I not learning fast enough? Why was I not learning fast enough? (That last one is poison when you have a learning disability).

The final nail in the coffin was when my frustration overflowed, seeping into other areas of my life. I had to accept that by not paying attention to what I was doing to myself, I was beginning to lash out at others.

Well, since it’s already out there, I’ll leave it be. I’m still trying to get past this funk, whatever it is that’s keeping me from creating to potential.

~Niki

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